He was looking at the necklace of the Barmaid, her black bra could be seen under the cheap white shirt that was her uniform, her short blond hair gave her good looks some definition. Returning back to his seat the conversation was about a former care worker now living next door to his drinking mate Chris, this neighbour lived in a drunken nihilism and what happened to him from when he was working at the Boys Remand Home to this demise, made Dave think.
Some years on, Dave was talking about a former member of staff who was just as equal in the abuse, gang rape and bullying, his so called Anarchism made him have some feeling about the drunken nihilism, Dave understood that his own world of bullshit and fantasy did not assist his truth about what had happened to him.
The Barmaid had now changed and was now sat at the bar, his attention drifted towards her, it had been a week of a virus, he was not well the last 18 months had taken its toll.. the continued conflict of every day, enforced isolation of the last week. He needed the attention of getting drunk into oblivion that was going to give him some feeling.
Dave thoughts were with the drunken nihilism of his mate Chris’ and his neighbour, the former care worker and duty manager, he was very much in the knowledge of what was going on at the Boys Remand Home, he had taken part in the physical beatings of Dave but to now hear what had become of him, to be honest did not please Dave.
Dave’s so called Anarchism had given him so much more over the last few years, at the age of 16 it was just petty rebellion, an anger towards those who had locked Dave in cupboards, beat him and so it went onto the abuse at the Boys Remand Home. Dave was looking at the Barmaid and as he often did, he thought about demographics, what if and so forth.
The Barmaid left, one more drink here, then they left, changing the demographics of the pub they had been in, a few more and he was in a taxi home, back to his prison cell. The hangover kicked in, getting so drunk was impounding on him, it was a cold Tuesday, the good looking Barmaid was in his thoughts, for much of the day, along with the drunken nihilism of his mate’s neighbour and thoughts of his past.
Being very much a coward, led him to drunken binge drinking and days lost in a cannabis haze. Over the years it had decreased, his obsessive bullshit and fantasy had done the same, this self destruct pattern. Dave very much understood his own actions, that his actions were no different to the drunken nihilism of his mate’s neighbour, perhaps like him he needed the nihilism to give him some feeling, was in need of the conflict of his everyday life, whatever the truth, change is a constant we all need.
The Barmaid was a utopian dream, just the same as his alleged Anarchism, both just a dream and when he awoke the streets of Sheffield were full of The Plague Dogs of Humanity, just another day of nothingness, another day of oblivion. At least the hangover was giving him some feeling..
At the age of 43 he had learned a lot, the news of the last few weeks of September into November, the lies propaganda was self evident, make the working class into a pernicious evil, there was no conspiracy theory to be had, this was not 9/11.
If you are an honest working class person, you will not agree with the racism of the far right, it is all too simplistic to look at the working class as an underclass, become a part of the de-humanising process that fails to understand the very nature of our society and given some thought, you can not but understand the drunken nihilism of the neighbour. His so named Anarchism took him further from the The Plague Dogs of Humanity.
Hypocrisy is a great luxury, means you can sit there in grand judgement of others, but not look towards your own actions, in whatever state your so called humour is bullying, he had been and still was a part of the circle of bullying.
He looked at his reflection and he knew the consequence of harassment towards others, a fair weather friend sat there proclaiming his own self good, but it was not so private how he was fucking over is former girlfriend, but she only loved him, was a bitch according to him at least, talk with the former girlfriend, you might get some truth, but truth in this village was not how it worked, if truth did matter he would twat the abuser and others who drank at The Gossip Inn pub.
He needed to get drunk, remove himself from his own fantasy and bullshit, all was not well in the wider world, never mind his, dancing on the ruins of civilised world had given him some epic Urban Exploration but he had moved from one circle of self deluded mothers, and leaving the circle of political activists was good, but he had moved to another circle of self deluded mothers.
Now was the time to understand he was a freak, that forced socialisation had done him more damage than what he had gone through at the Boys Remand Home he was an outsider looking inwards towards a world, he could not be a participant off, Dave was to real, no vanity or glamour, he loathed the false plastic world of the get along gang of coke and e, he would not be at ease The Gossip Inn pub neither in there circles.
The anger inside would mean conflict would be a part of his life, he would always act to fuck his own shit up, walk towards conflict and its consequence, he had no real time for The Plague Dogs of Humanity. Dave was a Nihilist, this he very much needed to understand. The utopian ideals of Anarchism was just that, a part of the process of his forced socialisation.
Back to thinking about the Barmaid, in a world of ugliness there is always one moment of outstanding beauty that will haunt you, bring you back to the here and now. Her presence helped him along, Dave had walked past watching the people get drunk, now he was one, just another self, obsessed by his own need to annihilate himself..
